Saturday, June 26, 2010

Steve Martin Rider

I love, LoveLOVE sarcastic old men with their ascerbic wit and dry humor.  The crabbier the better.  The fatherless girl in me loves the shit out this type of man.  i mean i worship them.  God, i love Steve Martin.  He is in my list of hottie older men along with Harrison Ford, Alec Baldwin, Gary Oldman, Jeff Bridges, and a couple others i can't think of right now... i'll update this list later.  But anyway, it doesn't help that he's funny as hell.  He SLAYS ME!

"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."

"Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them."

"Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town."

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy. " 

“I believe in eight of the ten commandments; and I believe in going to church every Sunday unless there's a game on.”  


Did you guys see this thing on Perezhilton?  The tour rider (list of demands) for Steve Martin's band (The Steep Canyon Rangers) is HIGHLARRYUS.

One (1) brand-new Super Trooper spotlight for Steve; One (1) broken Super Trooper spotlight for Steep Canyon Rangers.

Staff must be immediately identifiable to load-in crews and Artists by wearing jackets and T-shirts clearly marked "SECURITY."  All security staff must carry blankets and pacifiers and be prepped to offer hugs and comforting pats, in case Artists are feeling vulnerable.

Instruments must be tuned by a wiry, sarcastic guy named Shorty, Lou, or Lightnin'.

Artists' musical instruments (fiddles, banjos, mandolins, etc) must be guarded by at least one hostile-looking, biggish guard who tells repellently boring stories.

One (1)  designated runner to liaise with sound, lighting, production staff, artists, and security.  Must speak English, but not the type when asked "How are you?" that responds, "I'm WELL, thank you..."

One (1) waterproof guyliner
One (1) clipped-out Allure article on "a smoky eye"

Nothing constricting or scratchy, except for Steve's thong

Beginning two (2) hours prior to performance, Steve's dressing room must have a new trophy delivered every ten (10) minutes.  Suggested trophies include "Most Beloved", "Best Show of the Year", "Best Musician".  Creativity encouraged (Steve starting to get bored with these).

  • One (1) platter of cold cuts (ham, turkey, roast beef, all pref. bluish)
  • Six packs of any canned beverage, for Steve to compare his abs to
  • Twelve (12) coconuts, hollowed out and split in two, for the musicians' "bras".
  • One (1) whole roasted chicken for Steve to use as dancing puppet
  • Tray of iceberg salad
IMPORTANT NOTE:  Iceberg must come from Scandinavia, Canadian, or Russian Arctic.  Artists do NOT like taste of Antarctic icebergs.  Beverage service must include thoughtful assortment of bendy straws.

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