Friday, June 4, 2010

Let Maygones be Bygones...

These pics are from last month.  In May, my sister and I had an opportunity to catch up and have a rare date night in Atlanta (that's right, i had to stop into my old stomping grounds for a couple weeks, but we'll discuss this later).  And date night with my sister is not any ordinary occasion.  We needed to blow off steam; we were on a mission. I don't believe in self pity.  And when I look up at my sister, as I have since i was a child, I'm always amazed and think how much I'd love to be just like her in certain ways.  She's experienced and gone through so much it's like a Lifetime movie; she's been through every possible horrific ordeal that one could possibly undergo at her age, but she's always come out poised; with perfect hair and etiquette. I can only pray that one day I'll be able to acquire her tenacity. That night was the most delectable, debaucherous binge.
And it was exactly what the doctor ordered.  We all have our own ways of coping, and for us - it's to smile, dust the glitter off, get dolled up and laugh into the night.  Remember my puppies, we find calm in the chaos, silence in the storm, beauty in the wreckage.  This is how it's always been; this is how it will always be.

Now i'm back in the City of Angels and swimming in a sea of uncertainty.  Someone made a comment at dinner the other night about me living in Cali on a month-to-month basis.  It made me think how crazy these past months have been: In mid-April I packed everything up in 6 boxes, bought a one way ticket, tiptoed to the end of a cliff and just jumped off. I stepped into this city without a job set in stone. I didn’t know where I’d be living. I didn’t know who I’d meet or where I’d be.  I just jumped. So back to date night with my sister.  I had to fly back to Atlanta mid-May; my head was totally messed up--i boarded a jet reeling.  May was devastating for my family and i can't speak on the matter any further, but most of the Korean Atlantan community knows.  After the storm died down somewhat, our whole family flew to San Francisco.  It was only me, my sister, and two brothers left to hold down the fort in Atlanta for some weeks.  And when our family returned, back to LA i went.

I still don’t know about my job or where I’ll be tomorrow.  I just go.  I just do.  I wouldn’t mind actually moving to Paris for a couple months either.  I imagine i'd love everything about the Parisian lifestyle: espresso, smokes, fashion, coq au vin, beautiful butter pastries to stare at, and the stench i hear about… all of it. I’ve already gone the farthest west I could possibly go.  Yet here i am, sleeping on the floor of an apartment, clothes still half-boxed, ready to pack up and travel onto the next stop of this moving caravan if need be.  It’s weird though, cos in my relationships (bfs & gfs), I am nothing BUT committed.. stationary.. reserved even!  When it comes to people, I’m all in, unless you give me a reason to be doubtful... but even then, it takes a lot for me to move on to the next. Hmm. I wonder why this is.  So basically, i'm geographically slutty?  i can move quickly and travel at the drop of a hat.  Relationally?  i'm totally devoted.

June is here.  June is so welcome.  They say that still pauses in conversations are angels passing through the room.  I'm very silent these days, hoping-just hoping-that my space and my time and my footsteps will be inundated with wings. 

Faithfully yours,
Astrid

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