Monday, January 18, 2010

Some Superficial Fears of Mine...

(1). The Bull Shark is considered the most dangerous shark in the world. They are aggressive, common and live near shorelines. Terrifyingly, they can survive in both salt water and fresh water!! Imagine swimming around in the ocean in a really cute teeny weeny yellow polkadot bikini and bumping into one of these buggahs... i'd probably drown mahselfs. Anything's better than getting torn to shreds by this:

(2). Philip Seymour Hoffman FREAKS me out. He looks part child molester, part pervert, part ssaiko. He looks like a freakin creep and i can't even watch any movies with him in it - not even the mainstream ones like Mission Impossible cuz i'm afraid he's gonna adlib a creep-line. A long time ago, my sister, a friend and I were at the Jaybird Alley Starbucks chilling and drinking coffee and laughing. We noticed there was a man that was sitting in one of those unmarked vans aka rapist vehicles, looking in our direction. I didn't see his face, but i'm pretty damn sure that he looked like Hoffman. And then our friend squeals and grabs us to go inside because, "OH MY GOD, HE'S F*&%G MASTURBATING." And Starbucks had to call the police! Ever since my sister, aka film guru, introduced me to him in Hard Eight and Boogie Nights, I've had nightmares, like, seriously. He was such a creep in Boogie Nights, omygaaaaaat. He had that creepy crush on Dirk Diggler aka Mark Wahlberg. How many times did i say creep in this paragraph? i dunno. i'm so creeped out right now.

(3). I'm deathly afraid of obese people. I have Cacomorphobia - fear of fat people. And like most normal people, my fears come hand-in-hand with dislike, disgust, prejudice, and even hatred. I'm sorry, i don't believe in "fat genes". You're obese because you got lazy and you ate your feelings or whatever. These people deserve to get charged double for plane tickets. The fat tax is imperative so that normal humans don't have to suffer for the sins of the obese; it wouldn't be fair if i had to be squished during an entire flight because i had to sit next to an obese person. Forget banning gay marriage! I think morbidly obese people should not be allowed to marry by law; this will only perpetuate and exacerbate the fatness. The fatness would take over.

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