Saturday, May 8, 2010

Yesterday Astrid and i got Menchi's frozen yogurt--which we are addicted to already--pistachio, omg--i think it's Jewish because the flavors all say Kosher--the Jews are apparently about everything i like--and then proceeded to scamper into the Love Shack at lunchtime because it was a brilliantly beautiful day with vast, prairie-like, blue skies and super-white cumulus clouds and what better place to spend that sort of early afternoon than indoors in an artificially lit, grease&jizz-covered sex shop that smells like gas station bathroom and pornowy incense with a bunch of creepy, raggedy guys suspiciously gravitating towards your direction even when you're in the vibrator aisle.  Astrid and i, we were all over the place like pervy little koalas simultaneously looking for stuff and a little personal space.  *shrug*

She perused the specialty necklaces while i browsed the gay porn and smirked at the little jap dingdongs and the skinny little ladyboys scissoring--they should not be in pornography, it's pedophilic.  and jap gay porn should totally be in the fetish aisle, btw.  Why do the Asians always have to be so f'd up?  Furthermore, why do most sex toys look like crazy torture tools?  I would totally stamp everything with Hello Kitty... not because i like hello kitty (because i don't anymore) but because it looks sexy and safe.  you gotta mesh sexy plus cute to really garner mass appeal and broaden your market.     

So Astrid ditched introspective me and went into the smoke shop for the perfect bullet necklace--amongst other things.  Actually, i worded that wrong because it's not a bullet, but the thing evil sarah michelle gellar wears around her neck in Cruel Intentions.  [One of her girlfriends has one so she wanted to get a matching one.  (BFF01279 HUZZAH!)]  So yeah, you could totally pass it off as a Catholic rosary... too bad it has a secret compartment for drugs.  Dude, as if wearing a rosary as a fashion accessory isn't sacrilegious enough. 

The girl at the smoke shop laughed as she twisted the bullet and a vial popped out.  "Look, we have keychain bullets too, so that your key is always on hand."  Astrid shook her head, "Not what i'm looking for."  We looked at the shelves and shelves of bongs and bowls and wondered how much all this merchandise is worth!!  geez!!  why do bongs look all tie dye hippie psychadelic?  they're always so fug alert.  transparent pink Hello Kitty bongs would sell more.  pink bowls.  you could even see the weed better, unlike when it's in those friggin camouflage bowls.  With this pink bowl, i can clearly see that it's cashed.  awesomeballs.

As we headed toward the door, i noticed a purell dispenser and made a beeline.  Too bad it was crusty and totally cashed.  i gasped and felt a flutter of mini panic course through me.  OMG. hands are so greasy from handling all them giant black shlong and mini jap pee pee dvds.  Ah feel so Old Dirty Bastard.  I shoot a look toward my sister and totally meet a stranger's eyes before i can spot her.  He looks so ODB.  He prob thinks i popped out of a Jap porno which is totally not a self-compliment cuz those girls have garish bushes and act like they're getting raped.  I wonder why the sex shop in Amelie looks totally cute and tame with its cherry walls and cursive neon signs and here it looks like the mouth of ron jeremy's bunghole or a tacky hell aka orlando, florida.

exemplary sexy+cute Hello Kitty pornstars

ashlynn brooke

bree olson

sophia santi (she's a tad more va va voom)

anyways, this post turned into something it wasn't supposed to be, but like most posts, it is my stream of consciousness at this very second.  whatever, y'all lucky you get to glimpse into my bwains.  it's a spiderweb with lots of candy stuck in it.  but the candy is meticulously wrapped and sanitary because i have to eat it.



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