Wednesday, November 3, 2010

I thank everyone that has caused me to suffer, without you I would have no reason to express myself.  --anonymous

Since my sister's been home in Atlanta for the Fall/Winter for her extended holiday, we've been catching up and watching dvds, and mostly just chilling indoors in her attempt to steer clear of the booze + temptations.  We went to see the ocean and watched dolphins and basically tried to imitate shaolin monks.

And then it all fell by the wayside once Halloween rolled around.  and i mean "rolled" around.  jesus. ayudame!

Now the Asterisk is deathly ill with something... and my mum candidly admitted to me that she peeks into her bedroom from time to time just to check and see if she has stopped breathing.

Anyhow.  It's almost Winter now.  Usually i hate the cold weather, but these days i've been loving the gray, colorless sky and the snapping cold winds.  It matches the mood i've now begun to escape from.  For the past few months... well... since late August, i was in what i refer to as my "dark hole."  On the outside, i am quite normal, but on the inside i am like a walking shell.  So, dear readers, that explains my absence on this blog and even out in public.

Since i was about 19 or 20, i began to get hit with these depression spells where i can barely get dressed and don't put makeup on and can hardly eat anything.  It's so debilitating that I tell everyone i'm sick or not feeling well and hide out.  I don't sleep well and the thought of going outdoors gives me massive anxiety.  I think a lot of people are like this?  The reason i call them "holes" is because my life is peachykeen and these are the inexplicable blemishes.  Smooth roads and then BAM! pothole!  Smooth sailing and then BAM!  freak storm!  I've dealt with this for almost a decade.  This time, it lasted for over 2 months and i'm finally, slowly crawling out of it.

I tried fluoxetine (prozac) and amitriptyline (tricyclics) in my late teens and early twenties,  but all they really did is make my pee neon green.  Now i'm in my late twenties and it's really embarrassing for me to even talk openly about my holes because i feel like it sounds made-up and people might say, "isn't she way too old to be emo and shuffling her shoes?"  I don't treat these spells anymore ~ i more or less let it flood over me and wait til it leaves and let my mom put her hands on me and pray it away.  They happen a lot less frequently now.  This might sound sliiiightly scientologist of me, but in some cases like mine i feel that Rxs are totally avertible and extraneous.  Ya just need ur mom to put her hands on you and tongue-speak it out of you.  (my mum's speaking in tongue sounds like this:  "WA SHA RI MA lalalalakamaraka..." etc. etc.)


Something that i've been TOO often reading about in the news is the influx of teen suicides, especially that of gay teens.  It makes me so sad... like, despairingly sad.  It makes me burst into tears just writing about it.  I'm an empathetic person by nature and when i read these things, i mull and agonize over the magnitude of hopelessness and pain you have to be in to want to end your life... and it eats me.  People should never be in that much suffering.  Not even animals--not any of God's creatures.  I just want to help them somehow.  I am so thankful when i see public people banding together for the "It Gets Better" campaign and it makes me think there is still some humanity left in a world where currently we have genocide in North Korea and nobody seems to bat a motherfreakin eyelash.

Well, i'm happy to be back to my normal happy self!  I'm in an amazing mood despite these skies that look  like they're about to unleash hail or snow.  I'm thankful to God that i have it better than so many people out there, even when i'm down in the dumps.  I'll leave you with this beautiful quote i read today:  

When I look at ugliness, I see beauty. When I am far from home, I see old friends. When there is noise, I hear a robin's song instead. When I am in a crowd, it is the mountain's peace I feel. In the winter of my sorrow, I remember the summer of my joy. In the nighttime of my loneliness, I breathe the day of my thanksgiving. But when the sadness spreads its blanket and that is what I see, I take my eyes to some high place until I find a reflection of what lies deep inside of me.
 --Navajo saying


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